The Truth

This isn’t to get anyone’s pity. I’m more pissed off than I am sad now. It’s simply an explanation for why I’ve been MIA

I’m sitting here eating pizza at 10 at night completely in my feelings right now. First, I miss him. We broke up. Or he broke up with me rather. And it is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I’ll get to the reason. I’m just describing what I went through in order or rather in ther hope that you all will understand why I’ve been gone for a month or so. I miss him.

He started acting weird a few days before. Saying he didn’t know about all of the promises he’d made me. About being together. About the future. I should’ve known then. I realize know that my judgement was blinded by love. A few days later he texted me saying, “we need to talk” and immediately I knew. It was the end for us, and no matter how hard I tried to stop him, I almost begged at one point, it was the end. And just like that, a year and a month. All of the memories of everything we did together flashing through my mind, over. He said he still loved me at the time, but now he goes around partying and hooking up with random girls. This is why I’ve decided the whole love thing, if it’s even real. Isn’t for me anymore. I’ve made up my mind that I never want to feel this way again.

Before him I was this hard person with walls nobody could tear down, and I had plans to never let anyone do that to me. And then one day he just came around and he was funny and sweet and charming and he tore down every wall I put up. “Pour yourself into him, he really loves you” my friends would say. So I risked what I had built, and poured. And poured. And poured. And now there may not be anything left to give.

Sitting here, I thought I got over him in this last month of going out and having fun with my bestfriend. Yet I am sobbing uncontrollably. I’m not over him. I hate him. I hate him because he left when he promised he wouldn’t. I thought I was going to marry him. I really did. And most of all I hate him because I still love him. He was the real oxygen thief and I never saw it until it was too late.

-Maeve

Consumed

I feel like I’ve been drowning in stress lately trying to keep up with my work. I promise there will be a blog post this Friday concerning my recent whereabouts, secrets, love life, and mental state. Thank you to those of you still reading. Until Friday (:

-Maeve

Busy

Post coming soon…

xoxo

Misunderstanding

Love is such a loaded word. Also, it is probably one of the most misused words in the English language. Well, in any language really. Young people, and even older ones, have such a habit of tossing the word “love” around and never take the time to explore the deeper meaning and all of the facets of love and all of the different forms it takes on. Love can be a beautiful thing or a thing that causes suffering. To me, love is the most powerful emotion that someone can experience. Bigger than hate, bigger than fear.

It’s this thing that just takes over your entire body and it’s true when they say that love makes you do crazy things. Like for example I’m trying to get tickets to a Warriors game for my boyfriend for our anniversary/ his birthday. So for the two of us to go AND get somewhat decent seats its about 310 dollars. 310 dollars. I would NEVER in a million years spend my own money like that, and to me it’s not a big deal because I know how happy it would make him. And it would just be a really fun thing for us to do. I still don’t even know how I’m going to come up with that.

I never get tired of him. He makes me laugh, smile, sometimes cry and he drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but I don’t know what I would do without him. I see a lot of things about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together.

And its not really like that, at least not to me. Sometimes there’s the little butterflies when we haven’t seen one another for a while, sometimes there are passionate kisses, but he provides comfort to me. He’s my home. We don’t always send long paragraphs about our love for each other, but now we have little jokes and we make fun of people together and there are little “I love you’s” whenever I do something silly or if he’s just staring at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention.

I read somewhere, “Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.”

And I love that so much.

V-Card

Ok I cannot sleep. Just tried. Here’s tomorrows/ today’s juicy post. Enjoy!

*Caution possible offensive content. That is not the intention of this post. This is strictly my opinion so please don’t be mean (:*

Let’s get one thing straight here. Sex is awesome. I am not a virgin (although I have only ever done it with one person and intend to for the rest of my life. Haha loyalty is another post). And honestly, I used to feel bad about it until not that long ago. I was baptized Christian and although I went/am going to public school, my “faith” has always been conflicted and honestly I kind of just select what I want to believe from both Catholicism, Christianity, and even Buddhism. Basically my faith is a mess and that’s a whole post on its own (by the way, I accept all faiths here. Or no faiths. I am probably the least judgmental person I know). Anyway, although I am conflicted, one thing I have had drilled into my head ever since I was little was that I should not have sex before marriage. It even says that having sex before marriage is a “sin” in the eyes of “God” (the one I believe in anyway). So ever since I hit puberty and boys starting showing interest and people started doing things closer to actually penetrative sex, it has been something that I have struggled with. But recently I have overcome that feeling of guilt simply because the way I see it, is if this is the only ” very wrong” thing I ever do, I’ll be pretty satisfied with myself.

Fast forward to now, I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and we’ve been having sex for a few months and let me just tell you that I do not regret it a single bit. In the beginning, I admit I felt bad about it because I had always been told not to do it. But then I learned that while sex and virginity is a REALLY big thing and an even bigger decision to make, (IT’S OKAY TO WAIT FYI.If someone waits, that is so cool (: like being a virgin until you get married? That’s awesome too! It just wasn’t for me..) it’s okay to want to have sex and to actually do so. We realized that it wasn’t up to anyone else but us to decide whether or not we were going to have sex. And remember, this is just my opinion on all of this, so if you disagree just take it with a grain of salt. Sex can be a very touchy subject so I understand if you disagree with me (: no hard feelings.

BUT I cannot stress enough how big of a deal it is that you LOVE that person if it’s your first time. My boyfriend wasn’t a virgin when we met and he didn’t love his ex and regrets that he wasn’t a virgin when we decided to have sex. If you don’t love your significant other, then don’t do it! I know it seems cliche to wait for the person you love, but you’ll be so glad that you did. Today people think virginity is just a word, but it’s honestly such a big deal. To me, if you love that person, and you both have communicated about it, and you feel like it’s right for the two of you go ahead! Personally my boyfriend and I know we are going to marry one another. And most people laugh as I may have mentioned before, but honestly if you knew us and how oddly sure we are about getting married in the future you’d know it to be true. In the mean time we’ll stick to talking about everything, going crazy places, and a bunch of other stuff.

But as I always say, do what you love and do it often (;

-Maeve

Holy Sh**

OKAY. This is crazy. I have 300 views. Great guys. Now I feel a million times worse for not having posted in a week. I have been crazy busy and I have a few updates.

After tomorrow, I will only be posting once a week. Most likely on Saturdays. I’m doing cross country and I have crazy courses this year. So basically, my life is hell on earth at the moment (: Anyway. Again, I just cannot believe that there are all these people reading what I write. Stay tuned for tomorrow. It’ll be juicy (; trust me.

-Maeve

Forgive Me

                         It has been 3 days. I am so sorry. I’m sure a lot of people start a blog like this only to abandon it. I hate that. Getting attached to a writer only to have them not publish anything for 5 years. Not that I really consider myself one. A writer I mean. Who knows if any of you are even attached to me haha. Just making that assumption, I promise to not abandon this blog. Because maybe someone has connected with me, and I would hate to do that to anyone. Even if there was only one person out there reading this, I couldn’t stop now. In any case, please don’t give up on me

-Maeve

The Oxygen Thief

Sorry for no post yesterday, I was super busy trying to frantically finish summer homework before school next week, so forgive me. I think I might start posting every other day though once school starts. I’ll figure that out later.

So the title of this post is from the title of the book, “The Diary of An Oxygen Thief” with an anonymous author. I started reading this book, but I’ve found that it’s pretty poorly written. It’s just the beginning that really spoke to me                                                                                                                                                     I liked hurting girls. Mentally, not physically, I never hit a girl in my life. Well once. But that was a mistake. I’ll tell you about it later. The thing is, I got off on it. I really enjoyed it. It’s like when you hear serial killers say they feel no regret, no remorse for all the people they killed. I was like that. Loved it. I didn’t care how long it took either because I was in no hurry. I’d wait until they were totally in love with me. Till the big saucer eyes were looking at me. I loved the shock on their faces. Then the glass as they tried to hide how much I was hurting them. And it was legal. I think I killed a few of them. Their souls I mean. 

Reading that was just so eery, because I’ve experienced that before as I’m sure many women and even some men have. Ever since I started being interested in real relationships (well as real as they can be when we’re younger) I don’t know what it was, but I had the worst luck. I always picked the worst boys. I subconsciously knew that they would hurt me in the end, but I liked them anyway. I had a thing for assholes. The worst was this one guy a few years back (we’ll call him Marcus). He killed me. Like the beginning of the book said. He was a few years my senior, my 14 to his 16. Not too big of an age gap. He was a “bad boy”, but I loved it. He gave me attention, told me I was beautiful, asked about my family, my problems, my hopes, dreams, insecurities. I fell hard. Then one day he asked for pictures of me (the kind you wouldn’t send to your great aunt if you know what I mean) and I refused. I was never that kind of girl. He told me I’d never find a boy that liked me. I wasn’t worth being loved. That everyone would leave me just like my dad did (I had told him about my dad leaving my mom and I. That’s a different post). And Marcus enjoyed it. He enjoyed tearing me apart, because he never liked me to begin with. He completely destroyed me, and I became the girl who left. I begin to build walls that I was sure nobody could break down. I trusted people less and whenever I would find a boy who I felt was trying to make his way in, I would cut him off and push him away. I pushed everyone away for the longest time. Marcus made me hard and cynical, and it upset me that I let someone have so much power over how I felt.

And then I met my current boyfriend (let’s call him David). This boy…I’m sitting here at a loss for words. I am so, undoubtedly and irrevocably in love with him and to be honest it scares the shit out of me. Being in love is still probably one of my biggest fears, more than spiders or vomit (don’t ask). It’s scary, but also the best feeling in the world; being in love with someone that’s equally and just as deeply in love with you. He stayed through so much and I can’t think of anyone more perfect. Every time I pushed him away, he pushed closer. I still have a hard time believing that he wants to be with me sometimes. Or whenever I do something I think is crazy, he just tells me how much he loves me and that I’m “his” crazy lady and he wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re only 16 (almost 17) and both so sure of our future together. Most people just laugh at us, but we know.

I am so in love with him and he in every way has the power to kill me a million times worse than Marcus did. And in the end, most people will have someone like that. You just have to find that person you trust enough not to destroy you and you’re completely sure that they won’t. That one person that gives them breathing problems, but the good kind. I hope everyone finds that person that takes their breath away.

-Maeve

Dear Diary…

I have always hated keeping diaries. I feel silly writing “dear diary” or “dear journal” because it makes me feel like I am literally writing TO the book, an inanimate object. Which is stupid. Also, I’ve always had the hardest time keeping up with a journal. I feel stupid, so I don’t really want to write everyday, and it just ends up somewhere in my disaster of a room with 200+ blank pages that should have writing.

So I started this blog mostly because I suck at writing in diaries, but I needed a place to be completely honest. Because really, what’s the point of a blog unless you’re honest. And I couldn’t be fully honest as “me” per say because if anyone I knew were to find this blog, especially my parents I’d probably never see the light of day. My parents are always worrying about what I “put out” online and frequently monitor my personal social media accounts, ergo I can’t put what I truly think and feel about anything really.

Thus was born, Madame Anonymous (Maeve) so I could freely tell the stories of my life and nobody would know it was me. Honestly this was just to feel like I was writing to someone, but now I actually am and it is the weirdest experience. I already have about 60 views in only three days and I can barely believe it, nor can I figure out why anyone would want to read what I have to say. In any case, my friends think the things that go through my head are interesting and often nonsensical so if they knew about this blog, they’d probably tell you to keep reading. So by all means, stick around. You might read something you like (:

-Maeve

Aversion to School (and people)

School starts for me in about a week and a half. And dreading it would be an understatement. Other people my age say that they hate school, but I am dead serious in every sense of the word. I don’t think you will ever meet a girl who hates school more than me. Not just the fact that that homework, exams, and finals exist but the PEOPLE at my school. Oh my goodness.

The more time we (myself and the readers) spend together, the more you will learn of my cynicism and dislike of most people. I loathe most of the people at my high school specifically. Everyone is just so fake and snobby. No I take that back. About 98% of the student population are fake and snobby. I have a few friends at my school that I will probably mention at some point. But most of the kids at my school come from wealthy families so most have the whole “holier than thou” aura, which I hate about my generation. Everyone thinks that they are better than someone else, when honestly we are all doomed to the same fate after we die, no matter how rich or how poor. But in my school it’s about how big your house is, what kind of jobs your parents have, and how high your GPA is.

I have a special loathing for the honors kids in my school (the people I am forced to endure, due to the fact that I too take honors classes). All of them are little robots, trying to outdo one another and constantly being shamelessly self righteous by asking other students “what grade they got on that test or assignment” and actually being happy if they hear that the other person got a worse grade. It’s disgusting. None of my peers are actually smart to the extent of the word. Sure they can get an A on a test they studied weeks for, but real wisdom? Life experience? Street smarts? Hell no. Put them in a random city in a different country, and I have no doubt all of them would be on the streets in a week because they wouldn’t know how to survive in the real world! I honestly feel bad for all of these kids when they go to college, hell I doubt they’ll go more than an hour away from the safety of their home and parents.

Anyway, I have bigger things to worry about this year besides the fact that I hate all of my classmates and I have no clue what I’ll do if I have to do a group project. I am taking three college level classes and they all happen to be back to back. I am not excited at all for this upcoming school year because it’s going to be incredibly rigorous and I have a habit of procrastinating (a habit I will hopefully kick this year). Basically. Junior year is going to kick my ass (:

-Maeve